dead_felon | Sept. 17, 2021, 7:45 p.m.
There is a large restaurant chain in America that operates in complete chaos with zero respect for the customers. Wait, not just zero respect, that's like saying this place doesn't care about the customers. They have clearly taken a "fuck you" stance towards their patrons and yet people keep coming back for more. I'm talking about Little Caesars, the third largest pizza chain in America.
Little Caesars? But I used to love their "Pizza! Pizza!" commercials and double pizzas in the 80's!
Yes. That Little Caesars. Now, there might be some people that feel like they're too good to eat a large $5 pizza. Allow me to explain how this company operates so you get a clear picture of what it's like to visit a Little Caesars. First off, if you're eating at a Little Caesars, you know you're gonna get what you get and hope that it's edible, but goddamn that Crazy Bread slaps! Little Caesars' basic business model is that if you have $500 and access to an abandoned building, then you can become a franchisee.
The Order
It all starts with the order. Most pizza places allow you to call in an order or place your order online. Not Little Caesars. Sure, they list a phone number, but if you call it and you're lucky enough that someone answers it, they are going to be angry and they most likely won't actually take your order so when you arrive it's not in the system. So you have your choice of placing your order on their website or their app. Both of these are glitchy and sometimes don't work at all. If you successfully place your order, they will give you an estimated time that it will be ready. Just so you don't get excited, it won't be ready when you arrive at that time.
The Restaurant
I grabbed this screenshot directly from their website.
I want you to read this and visualize how the "restaurant" looks. Close your eyes and imagine walking up to the "restaurant" and how clean it is. OK, now get that shit out of your head! You walk up to the restaurant Little Caesars and notice all the promotional marketing materials in the windows are faded and peeling. The glass in the windows and doors is smudged to the point everything looks blurry. The door handle is both slippery and sticky at the same time. You open the door and walk into the restaurant Little Caesars.
This is a nice one!
Inside there is a counter and a waiting room full of chairs. All of the chairs are full of people and people are standing. It's uncomfortably warm inside and has a smell to it, but not a pizza smell. You stand next to a wall, but don't touch it or you might catch typhoid. As you look at all the people waiting, you notice it looks like an ER waiting room. There's always someone with a bandage, another person with what looks to be blood on their clothes, and for some reason there is always someone with an animal.
You can't go to the counter and ask for your order. There's no one at the counter and if there is, they aren't going to help you. Yeah, they will talk to you, but you aren't going to get help. Plus, this is Little Caesars, bitch! You don't get your pizzas handed to you like you're a real person! Nah! You've got to get them from the Pizza Portal! Little Caesars sat down and thought "how can we torture our customers with a real life game of Operation?" and they came up with the Pizza Portal. Basically you walk up to this kiosk and punch in your number when it says your order is ready. A door will open up and then you have to stick your arms into a hot oven and try to grab your pizza boxes without grazing the sides of the oven and burning yourself. The inside of the Pizza Portals smells more like burnt skin and hair than pizza.
I can smell this picture. Notice the fire extinguisher is handy!
One time I got a message on the app that my order was ready and there wasn't room in the Pizza Portal and to go to the counter to get my order. I interrupted an employee stocking dipping sauces and asked for my order. After she ignored me for a couple of minutes, she found my order waiting on 1 more pizza. Then the employee to the side yelled that it was ready. She continued stocking sauces for a few minutes and then she walked over and put my order into the Pizza Portal which triggered me yelling "Are you fucking serious?!" to which no one in the waiting room seemed to be surprised.
Once you have your pizzas, you can feel free to grab as many sauces you want. Fuck it, grab a drink from the cooler if you want. Even if you didn't order it! Little Caesars doesn't care! Even though they charge for dipping sauces and drinks, absolutely no one gives a shit. In fact, stealing is encouraged. I tried to talk to an employee about the sauces I ordered and they yelled at me to grab what I want. You would think that the manager would frown on this, but guess what? There are no managers! It's nothing but employees and no one is in charge. I'm almost certain you can just show up and start working at a Little Caesars.
Make sure you don't grab an open dipping sauce!
The Food
The great thing about Little Caesars is you can basically order everything they make for $20. It's not the best pizza in the world, but it knows its role and fills it well. Start with the Crazy Bread to fill up and then switch up to pizza. If you got stuffed crust, you'll wonder how the cheese inside the crust is wet and runny. Don't think too long about it. Just dunk that shit in stolen dipping sauce and be happy you survived!
Tags: purge rules the customer is wrong pizza little caesars
