dead_felon | Sept. 2, 2021, 3:31 p.m.
In case you were not aware, there is a ridiculous show called LEGO Masters where these "brickmasters" compete in a series of challenges building different things out of LEGOs LEGO bricks. Yeah, they're called LEGO bricks apparently and these jerks take that very seriously. The creations are always over the top and they have moving parts and all sorts of trickery built in.
I always imagine what it would be like to be on this show. Don't get me wrong, I would not win and my creations would be pure garbage. These jerks aren't even using instruction booklets! I would have a blast and just troll the hell out of everyone.
- Round 1 -
During the competition, I go to "make friends" with my enemies and intentionally bump the table to knock over their tower. "Oops! I'm soooo sorry!" then I look directly in the camera and give a thumbs up. I build my tower and it intentionally looks phallic. Will Arnett makes a comment about it looking "strange", hinting that it's phallic. I pretend that I don't see it, but then look straight into the camera with another thumbs up. America is rooting for me.
If you watch this show, you know you have to give a made up backstory with every creation because these jerks live in a fantasy world. I present my tower and give my story to the judges. "Well as you can see, it's a tower. People live in it and there's a sweatshop in the basement where they make knockoff designer bags. As you can see here, it's..." I'm interrupted by the tower catching on fire and melting in front of everyone. The safety team comes out and extinguishes the flames as we inhale the fumes of the burning plastic.
Everyone is baffled by what just happened and the judges are trying to talk to me while I'm crying. Through tears I'm able to get out "I...I...I went to talk to Steve and Geppetto earlier and I accidentally bumped their table and knocked it over. I felt really bad about it, but Geppetto told me I was going to 'get burned for fucking with his tower' and I didn't know what it meant until now." Everyone immediately turns on Steve and Geppetto and they kick them off the show. I look at the camera while crying, the tears stop and I give a thumbs up.
- Round 2 -
We have to build mechanical windmills. I gather all my parts and begin working on the best windmill I can build. While I'm working I hear a team yell out "What the hell?" from the Brick Pit. The brick pit is where all the LEGOs LEGO bricks are located and organized by type and color.
Everyone runs to the Brick Pit to see what's wrong. All of the bricks are mixed together. There is no more organization. It's pure chaos and everyone is struggling to find the bricks they need. Everyone begins arguing about who did it and how immature and unprofessional it is. The camera pans over to me building my windmill and I slowly look up and give a thumbs up and a smirk. I'm now the favorite to win this shit show.
It's presentation time. Not only do we have to present our windmill, but they have to work and withstand 60 MPH winds! Even with the chaos in the Brick Pit, everyone completed their projects. One by one they go up, tell their stupid stories, and then have their projects fall to pieces around 50 MPH.
Now it's my turn. My windmill has phallic looking blades and I make up a story about wizards living in the windmill and they seem to buy that bullshit. They start up the wind and my windmill survives up to 60 MPH! And then it catches on fire and starts melting. As they put out the fire, the judges are starting to get on my case about another project catching on fire. I tell them that they gave me some faulty gears and they must have overheated and combusted from the 60 MPH winds. The camera zooms in on my thumbs up I'm holding behind my back.
- Round 3 -
We have to build a skyscraper and it has to survive an earthquake this time! During the build process one of the enemy team's skyscraper crashes when a big ball of LEGOs LEGO bricks crashes into it. They look to me and I apologize. "It slipped out of my hands! I'm soooo sorry guys." Then I mouth to the camera "I'm not sorry. Fuck them."
I build a giant skyscraper that looks like Jeff Bezos' dong-rocket. I give them a story about my skyscraper and how it's headquarters to a billionaire who buys and sells poor people and could end hunger and homelessness but instead spends it on going to space. The earthquake starts and my building holds strong. They keep dialing it up and my building finally falls off the table and bounces instead of shattering. Everyone starts accusing me of cheating. I scream back at them "YOU PIGS NEED TO GET OFF MY CASE! THAT'S JUST GOOD CRAFSTMANSHIP! SORRY YOUR TOWERS ARE WEAK!"
The judges inspect my tower and discover that I superglued all the LEGOs LEGO bricks together and disqualify me. They try to escort me out of the building, but I pull out a shank I built from melted LEGOs LEGO bricks and slice at the security team as I load my pockets with minifigures before I run away.
Fox realizes that the show has had the best ratings it has ever had and tracks me down to give me my own show. I decline because I've retired from show business.
I continue on with my life, using my fame to scream at employees at the Taco Bell drive thru for giving me a medium Mountain Dew Baja Blast Freeze when I clearly asked for a large Mountain Dew Baja Blast Freeze. I squirt a mild taco sauce packet in their face and the cops come. I'm arrested and news stories are covering it because I'm the "bad boy of LEGO" and the world can't get enough of me.
After I post bail my life hits a downward spiral. I develop a crippling addiction to Mountain Dew Baja Blast Freezes and cocaine. I'm living on the streets in a house made of LEGOs LEGO bricks. Eventually I die from a self administered Mountain Dew Baja Blast enema and unrelated week old gunshot wound. I'm cremated and they mix my ashes in with the plastic to make limited edition LEGO sets.
And that is why I will never go on that show.
Tags: if i was on the show reality tv lego lego masters
