dead_felon | Feb. 13, 2022, 10:08 p.m.
I've heard about Euphoria on HBO from several people. They talked about how great the show is and I finally broke down and decided to check it out. The show revolves around a group of high school kids dealing with different problems in their lives. To quote Wikipedia, "The series follows a group of high school students through their experiences of identity, trauma, drugs, friendships, love, and sex." There is a lot of drug use, self harm, and mental health issues throughout the series. So it's right up my alley. As I watched the first few episodes I couldn't help but think "Goddamn! High school has changed a lot since my days!" I even saw memes from Millennials and Gen-Xers joking that they can't relate to Euphoria. At the time I laughed, but after some reflection, I'm not so sure.
I was in the 7th grade the first time I really wanted to kill myself. I'm not saying like "Oh, I wanted to die." No, I mean I really wanted to kill myself and check out. I had experienced enough and didn't want to keep going. I had planned it out, but never went through with it. Since then I have had an off and on relationship with depression and have danced with suicide more times than I care to relive, with the worst of them taking me all the way to putting a gun in my mouth with my finger quivering on the trigger. It's a pain inside that no one understands unless they have gone through it before.
I was 20 when I took a Xanax for the first time. I remember feeling so good for the first time in my life. For one night I had zero depression or negative thoughts as my mind spiraled out of control blissfully enjoying everything going on around me. Is this what normal people feel like all the time? Why can't I feel like this? If I felt like this all the time I would love life too!
Unfortunately this experience sent me down a path of chasing a feeling that can't be obtained without terrible consequences. I was 21 when I met a friend in college who needed help getting some software for one of his classes. I helped him out and in return he offered me some Percocet that he had left over from a prescription. I took one that night and chased it with beer. I felt so damn good and wanted that feeling forever! I knew it was dangerous and I knew that I could die from it. The problem is when you don't care if you live or die, you don't give a shit if something can kill you. I honestly didn't expect to still be alive at 30.
I continued helping him with software, schoolwork, tutoring, and more. In return he gave me pills he had leftover from prescriptions from his previous surgeries. Percocet, Vicodin, Lortab, Xanax, and Valium were flowing through my veins every night with whiskey and beer. The feeling was great and I slept fantastic every night. But like most people who have chased this high will tell you, eventually it doesn't work anymore. You have to start taking more to achieve the same feeling. Eventually I wasn't just taking a pill and mixing it with alcohol. I was taking 2 or 3 pills or mixing them together and drinking. Then I started taking a pill during the day to get through the day.
It was becoming a problem, but hey, I'm not an addict! I'm still managing to attend classes and get good grades. It's called being a high functioning addict and is actually very common. I continued this lifestyle longer than I should have. I finally saw how horrible it was after a very bad night and I quit taking pills. I was lucky enough that I had the power and control to walk away from it because a lot of people don't.
Although my time in high school varies a lot from the characters in Euphoria, I understand a lot of the issues they are going through and how easy it is to fall victim of addictions and behaviors while trying to chase a feeling of euphoria. When I was in high school there was still hope in the world. Kids today have to worry about school shootings, and if they survive they have a future full of ridiculous student loan debt, unaffordable housing, and a lifetime of struggling with careers that are soul crushing with zero rewards. If that's not a reason to take drugs, I don't know what is.
Tags: pain killers anxiety suicide addiction pills depression Euphoria
